Noticing the Sugar Hooks

I've been at this point soooooo many times in the last few years. I'll quit sugar and do well for a few weeks, maybe even a few months. And then... oh so slowly... it will sneak back into my life. A beer here (alcohol converts to sugar), a chocolate brownie there (pure sugar), a little treat everywhere. And then... just like that, I'm back on the sugar train... craving snacks and treats and indulging in junk food binges.

I am so tired of this roller coaster. And I KNOW that sugar is bad for Hashimoto's. The whole sugar/insulin thing... it attacks the thyroid gland. Sugar tanks my mood. It makes my joints ache. I can't think straight. I'm overwhelmed. All linked to Hashimoto's and sugar. It's just, as another Hashimoto sufferer said, one big clusterf*ck!

We're heading into Christmas Season... or should we say Chocolate Season. The holidays are a time to indulge in so many yummy things... chocolate, sweets, delectable feasts. But they all have a cost.

I bought a bunch of chocolates in late November, for Christmas. But now... I'm thinking about the box of Toffifee and the Lindt chocolate balls and... I feel a tad ill. I can't keep doing this. I need to take charge of my health. I am the only one who can do it. I know the consequences too.

And... I've been here so many times. In 2009 I quit Coke (sugar!!). And then started drinking hot chocolates at Starbucks. In 2019 I quit hot chocolates (sugar!!). And promptly started indulging in double chocolate fudge brownies at Starbucks. A few years ago, I ditched the brownies and started eating 85% dark chocolate squares (but too many). It is now 2025. Do I really want to wait till 2029? Probably not.

I see the pattern too... I get myself organized, I find my rhythm and balance and I'm going through life, so proud of myself and then... something happens. Stress at work. A death in the family. A pandemic. And I crave the comfort, the energy, the je ne sais pas that sugar brings. And it’s harder to bounce back than it used to be.

I've done it before. I've gone several weeks without chocolate or sugar and... then... as noted earlier... I crack the door a tiny bit to let in a birthday cupcake or a celebratory hot chocolate and... very quickly... the floodgates open.

I don't want to accept the fact that I need to go cold turkey. For life. Or at least to the point where I don't crave the stuff. And could I have a piece of birthday cake in the future? I really don't know. Maybe I should be joining an SA group (Sugarholics Anonymous). (OMG... there actually is such a group! I thought I made that up.)

I thought that I could be one of those people who can eat chocolate and sugar in moderation. Perhaps not. Genetically... some people can have one piece of chocolate and leave the rest for another day. Genetically, some people can't.

And I know that part of it is environmental as well. That is why I don't keep chocolate in the house. Going down to the store to buy it is an entropy hurdle that works for me. But if it comes in the house... I am hooped.

For now, noticing that feels like enough.

Falling Off the Wagon: How to Bounce Back After a Sugar Slip-Up

Well, I lasted about 10 days sugar-free before caving in the face of a vegan dark chocolate truffle cake. My partner and I took my niece on a spa getaway and... we had 3 charcuterie boards, one of which was a dessert board. I could pass on the cheesecake with ease... and the poached pear... but the truffle cake? Nope. I was a goner.

But hey... it's just one blip, right? Well, 3 days later, they wanted to get DQ for themselves and I drove my niece there... and caved in the face of a Peanut Buster Parfait.

That same evening, after I dropped off the niece at the ferry... I stopped at the grocery store to get a RitterSport bar.

So... what does this tell me? Well... once the door opens a crack... you either gotta slam it shut or... the floodgates open!!

The other thing I learned... or relearned... is that it is really, really hard to maintain an eating plan (sugar-free) when you are surrounded by people who are happily munching away on sugary treats. That requires a level of self-discipline and will-power that... just... is beyond me. 

And yes... I did make it 10 days. And no... this doesn't have to derail me. Although it does feel a bit like I am derailed. I need to remind myself of "why" I am staying away from the sugar... because it is poison to my body. It generates inflammation which is toxic for Hashimoto's syndrome. I just find it really hard to remember the why when I am staring the menu in DQ and wondering... why do they both get treats and I am left to munch on almonds?

Maybe if I saw the sugary concoctions as harmfully poisonous to my body, I might have a different relationship to sugar. For example, I have never been tempted to smoke, either regular cigarettes or marijuana. Why? Because I like my brain cells and want to keep them sharp. It's glaringly obvious to me that smoking, of any sort, is seriously bad for one's health. Sooooo... no temptation there. Not even when people seem to be relaxed and having fun from smoking whatever.

Now, to just shift that mode to sugar... its effects are similar to a drug... so can I treat it the same way? See it for what it is? A substance that is harmful to my well-being? Perhaps that would work. But I'd really have to modify and work against 50+ years of conditioning which tells me that sugar is a reward for being good... or doing good things... or a treat for celebrations.

But I see the shape of the wolf in sheep's clothing... most times. Can I just keep my focus on that when faced with chocolate truffles and ice cream? Fingers crossed... 

Sugar Detox (Again!)

I'm on Day 3 of my latest Sugar Detox and it's not fun. Aside from the cravings, I also have a headache, feel lethargic and unmotivated and am distressingly moody. I just want sugar. A brownie... anything to make this go away.

I keep telling myself that it "this too shall pass" and I wonder... why? Why do I keep putting myself through this? I know why... because once I get through the sugar detox doldrums, I feel great! And as the days and weeks of me feeling great go by... I start to think... I can have a brownie here and there... And then... I am back in a full-blown sugar binge.

So, as I sit here in Starbucks... I ask myself the age old question... when will I learn this life lesson? How many times do I have to come back to this point before I finally "get it"? I would hope that this is the last time. My age, my weight, my family history, my thyroid condition... all tell me that sugar is NOT good for me. So just stop. Let the buck stop here. Let the sugar detox end in March 2023.

Since this is being posted in late October... I can include a post script to let you know how this all shook out in the end. Did I make it my last sugar detox or... am I doomed to repeat this yet again. I certainly hope not because it is quite gross. I'm at the point where I wonder if I am going through some health crisis. I know it's just sugar detox but... sometimes it feels so much more than that. My mood is in the toilet. I can barely get myself motivated to do anything. Blech. 

Here's a blurb about sugar withdrawal:

"The symptoms of sugar withdrawal include headaches, decreased energy, an inability to concentrate and mood changes. Although it’s not completely understood why these side effects occur, research shows it's likely linked to the impact sugar intake has on our brain chemistry.

Eating sugar triggers a release of different chemicals, including endorphins - which boost your mood and reduce pain - and dopamine, which is linked to pleasure, satisfaction and reward. Sugar stimulates the brain's reward system and ultimately, it makes us feel good - so we are likely to want to eat more sugary food and drinks.

These kinds of changes can lead to dependence and addiction2. Therefore, giving sugar up may trigger unwanted side effects."

Or how about this one:

"It's during this early "sugar withdrawal" stage that both mental and physical symptoms have been reported – including depression, anxiety, brain fog and cravings, alongside headaches, fatigue and dizziness. This means giving up sugar can feel unpleasant, both mentally and physically, which may make it difficult for some to stick with the diet change."

These little blurbs make me feel slightly better. I can see myself in all of these symptoms... and I just have to make it through the first week before I know I will start feeling better. So... stay the course... and remember this for next time... Sugar Detox is no fun and I really don't want to keep repeating this.

PostScript - October 26, 2023

Yeah... we all know how this sugar detox ended. Another brownie splurge! And once you have one brownie, it is a slippery slope. But as I write this, I am trying something new and different. I consulted ChatGPT (the AI) for some ideas and it actually came up with a good one that I have not tried yet... I'll blog about it in due course.

Through the Worst of the Sugar Detox Symptoms?

 The first three days of the sugar detox were the worst...

• foggy thinking
• tired/fatigued
• overheating at night
• moodiness
• emotional
• lack of motivation
• overwhelmed
• irritable and reactionary
• headache
• dizzy/lightheaded

But, as the first rays of Day 4 break over the horizon, I think I might be through the worst of it. I'm sitting in Starbucks and while I looked longingly at the chocolate brownies in the display case... I reminded myself of what I'd just endured and... I passed.

The struggle of the last few days is too fresh in my mind right now to even consider munching on a sugar-filled treat. I just wish that I could remember the struggle 2 months from now. The truth is, I seem to have short-term memory for this sort of stuff. Once something is more than a month in the past, the sharp edges tend to blur and I think... "It wasn't that bad." But it was. It is.

And so I thought I would document this... if not for posterity... then at least for me. So that I can remember how bad it was. I honestly feel like something is seriously wrong with me when I am going through the first days of the detox. I feel sooooo very unlike myself that I think I have lost my mojo... lost my brain power. It's not a pleasant feeling. I remind myself that this too shall pass but honestly... when I'm in the middle of it, I really doubt that!

These last few days, I have been trying different things to combat the sugar detox doldrums. I've been adding in some regular snacks - things like an apple with some almond butter, or an orange with some nuts. Sometimes I'll have a hard-boiled egg. I'm also going grocery shopping today, so going to get some hummus to snack on - along with some carrots, celery sticks, cukes or peppers. That mix of complex carbs and protein is so important. Giving my body food that will release energy slowly, over time, rather than an immediate gratification hit of refined sugars or even simple sugars like fructose without the protein.

I've read elsewhere that it's a good idea to keep a food diary for a while... I'm not sure that I'm up for that right now. I've got enough stuff on my plate at this point. But maybe once the worst of the sugar doldrums are done with... then I can look at that.

I know that the coming days/week are going to be hard. I might be through the worst of the sugar withdrawal symptoms but... the cravings are still there, and will come on hard and heavy in the coming weeks. If I can just remember these detox symptoms... I'm hoping to weather the storm.

It's funny... because before I stopped drinking Coke for good back in 2009, I had tried kicking the habit many times. Suffering through intense headaches for days afterwards. But, inevitably, I would start drinking it again. This time... I'm hoping that I can stay the course and finally choose my health over my cravings.

Another Sugar Detox... Amongst Other Things

Tofu

I know. I've been here before. At least 3 times in the last year. And I'm back at it again. This time with more insight and motivation. Hopefully that will lead to success.

Those who follow the ramblings of this blog will know that I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's - an auto-immune thyroid condition that leads to hypothyroidism - not enough thyroid hormone. It means I need to take a synthetic thyroid hormone to keep my thyroid levels within range. But it's been a bit of a roller coaster trying to keep the numbers within range. Which is frustrating and annoying.

Right now, I'm struggling again with low energy levels, sluggishness, achy joints and anxiety. Fun, eh? Not. I've been doing a lot of reading and researching and... I've learned that these sorts of things often start in your gut. There are some foods that are just not good for auto-immune conditions, but it's hard to pin down because it differs from one person to another. One person might be good with eggs but for the other person, it sends them into a Hashi flare.

Some practitioners recommend something called the Auto-Immune Protocol which, among other things, recommends that you avoid "suspect" foods and focus on "good" foods. So... cutting out things like gluten, soy, legumes, nuts, eggs, dairy, nightshades (tomatoes, potatoes, eggplant), sugar, high-glycemic fruits. It leave a lot of greens and meat to eat. It's a bit extreme... but maybe it's time to bite the bullet.

But then... in reading the list of foods to avoid... I had a bit of an epiphany. I went back to my TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) lab results and discovered something intriguing. Just to clarify, the TSH is a hormone produced by the pituitary gland when thyroid levels are too low. So when the TSH goes up... it means there isn't enough thyroid horomone. Kind of counter-intuitive.

TSH Labs

Let's take a look at my TSH labs - going from 2014 to 2023. I had always put my thyroid issue down to the stress of taking care of my Dad towards the end of his life - 2016-2019. But those labs are all happily within range. There's a bit of up and down, but it's all relatively good.

Where things start to take off is in January 2020 when my partner and I decided to get rid of meat, dairy, and eggs from our diet. We were going whole foods and plant-based. We introduced a lot more legumes into our diet as well as tofu and tempeh (both soy products).

And then... in March 2021, we both went to see a naturopath. I was actually feeling pretty good, but given our vegan diet, she decided to put me on a heavy course of Vitamin D (like 10,000 IU/day - recommended is 600-800 IU) because she thought I might be low in Vitamin D given the vegan diet. She also recommended fish oil (liquid stuff). She told me to avoid gluten but said sourdough bread was fine. 

I pigged out on sourdough bread from Cobs Bakery and... well... you see what my TSH did. Turns out Cobs Bakery doesn't do the "right" type of sourdough bread! With increasing doses of synthroid, however, my numbers came back down but then there are these weird blips where it goes up again. That was usually because I slid backwards and thought... I can have "some" gluten! And we continued on our vegan diet.

I eventually ditched the naturopath because I developed other issues - things like oral lichen planus (raw spots inside my mouth). The naturopath thought that was weird and told me to stop taking all of the supplements she had put me on. She said that when I came to her, I was basically healthy and she wondered about all the stuff she had put me on. Brilliant. Paid $$ to get put on supplements and then paid more $$ to be told to get off of them. No more naturopaths.

Personally... I thought it was the fish oil... so I stopped taking that and added salmon into my diet. And my mouth cleared up. Interesting.

Taking Charge

So here we are... my thyroid is screwed up and when I look back at the history of this... I am faced with the dietary change from a regular diet to a vegan diet. Got rid of meat and fish and added soy and legumes and lots of whole grains (most were wheat based - things like farro). If you recall from above, soy and legumes are two of the things on the "avoid" list, along with gluten. Is soy the issue? Is it just the gluten?

I don't know but I've started an experiment. We have agreed to add meat back into our diet - ethically sourced, local chickens and bison. We're already eating eggs and salmon, so we'll continue with that. We are eliminating tofu and tempeh from our diet. And sugar. Sigh. And I'm getting rigid on the gluten. No more chocolate brownies. No more Timmies bagels. Nope. Done. For 3 months. I'm writing this on June 17, so we're looking at end of September.

What will my TSH do? How will my energy levels do? I don't know but it's worth it. Right now, I'm on 100 mcg of Synthroid right now. I'm at the point where I'm tempted to increase the dosage just to feel better but... maybe these dietary changes will do the trick.

I've read enough stories about people taking charge of their dietary eating plans and seeing a reversal in their thyroid labs to know... this is possible. Will it work for me... we shall see. Small steps.

So, every time I go into Starbucks, I think... no brownie (despite it's siren call). It's not worth the rest of it. Just. Not. Worth. It. Period.

I don't feel like Writing... I feel like Chocolate!!

Nope, I don't feel like writing. It's been a crap day at work with all sorts of technical issues as we launch a new workshop registration campaign. People buying the registration and then the system eating it and not spitting out a Welcome Email... and unhappy people left, right and center.

And then a disturbing personal phone call and... seriously... I just don't feel like writing. What I feel like is chocolate!!! Specifically a double chocolate brownie from Starbucks. It's 3:00 pm and the window for brownie time has closed (at least for me - or I'll never get to sleep). But that doesn't mean I still don't want it.

I am feeling cranky and out of sorts. The day got off to a rocky start and I didn't get my 1 hour writing time before being tossed into the deep end of technical work issues. Which sucks. And here I am, trying to regroup and gather my thoughts and... it's hard. I'd be much happier, I think, if I just grabbed my office backpack and went to Starbucks... I'd do a better job of regrouping there. But that's probably not true.

Cause at this time of day, Starbucks is overrun with university and high school students and there's not a hope of getting a table next to an electrical outlet (and my laptop battery doesn't last long anymore). So I'd probably just sit there and spin my wheels and feel even worse than I do right now. So that's not a solution. Which is why I'm sitting here and trying the writing thing at home... just me and keyboard.

It's not easy... the siren call of the brownie (and Starbucks) is strong. But it really doesn't help me. Not in the least. What does help me is increasing the magnification of this browser window by 20%! Sigh... things on the screen are looking smaller and smaller. Might  be time for another visit to the optometrist to see how the old eyes are doing. I can still read things, but I find myself squinting and frowning more at the screen... which is problematic on a Zoom call, when I just look frowny angry!

Anyhow... back to the topic at hand. I know that writing will make me feel better... but writing when I'm not already feeling good can be a challenge. And I even had a topic picked out from my morning walk at 6:00 am. But writing about that topic didn't seem feasible at this point. What really needs to get written is what's going on in me right now. So here we are.

Some people think that writing is "easy" if you're a writer. It's not. Sometimes it's like pulling teeth. It's not comfortable. It is not warm and fuzzy. It's dragging out your dirty laundry for all the world to see... and then holding each piece up to the light and studying it in detail. What is going on in my head right now... ?? What am I feeling? What is going on for me?

While I know that everyone has dirty laundry, that doesn't mean it is any easier for me to drag it out and share the nitty-gritty-ness of it. Gross. Emotions. Feelings. Grumpiness. Moodiness. Ick.

But if we all have it, surely it would be beneficial to share it... to share what is going on, so that others don't feel that they are all alone with their filthy laundry. Still doesn't make it easier to write about.

I guess the burning question is... why do I want a sugary, fatty treat that is crammed with wheat gluten (bad for my thyroid condition)? What is the brownie actually going to do? For about 1 minute, it will taste absolutely delicious and then... poof... it will be gone and I all I will taste is the bitterness of regret and the anger of failure. Which doesn't make a lot of sense, does it? And yet... that is what I am craving right now.

The emotions are too uncomfortable - frustration, anger, sadness, fear, irritation, uncertainty - and rather than sit in that... I would rather go and have the brownie. Run from the emotions? Distract myself from the emotions... if only for a minute? Makes zero sense.

I wish I could figure it out. It's not like I'm craving a banana or an apple or a handful of nuts? Or a walk or a drink of water. Although I do have my water bottle close at hand and am sipping at it as I write this. Trying to distract myself from the brownie.

Maybe what I really need is a good cry. Maybe the brownie is just trying to stuff sweet on top of those uncomfortable emotions that want to be expressed? Maybe. Or maybe I need to rage and growl in anger at the situation I find myself in. Perhaps the craving for the food is the brain trying to stuff all those emotions down... "let's just force feed it some sweets". Because emotions are dangerous you know.

It's not safe to express many emotions (other than joy) out in the world. Heck, we aren't really trained in how to express our emotions. We complain about people, places and things, but we don't really get to the heart of the emotion. We swallow the angry words. We stuff down the tears. We stiffen our backs in the face of fear. Don't show it... don't feel it. Sounds like a Disney film... Frozen and the song "Let it Go"...

Don't let them in. Don't let them see.... Conceal... don't feel. Don't let them know.

And the truth is, life is messy. Things aren't always smooth and calm and peaceful. It is so easy to get blown off course. To get thrown off kilter. The question is... how to get back on course. How to get back on kilter...  back on track?

How to clear the space? Write about it? Express it? Connect with something that grounds us, roots us, reminds us who we are? Put things into perspective?

Maybe step away from the computer and the phone and reconnect with the analogue world. Go for a walk... do something physical and with my hands. Declutter some more? Something... and the only way to know what is going to help is to try a few things... and see what sticks and what doesn't. See what helps and what throws me further off course. I'm pretty sure a brownie, delicious as it is, would throw me further off course! Sad to say... but it is truth! Ugh!