Responsible, Bossy, or Both?

If you're not an eldest daughter, you don't necessarily need to keep reading. Unless, of course, you want to get a sneak peek into what's going on in your older sister's head. If so, definitely keep reading!

I came across an article on The Atlantic the other day that gave me pause. It sounded like they were talking about me... "The Plight of the Eldest Daughter" with the tag line "Women are expected to be nurturers. Firstborns are expected to be exemplars. Being both is exhausting."

Yes! I get it! I am an eldest daughter and as I read the article, I found myself agreeing wholeheartedly. This line, in particular, had me nodding vigorously:

"Being an eldest daughter means frequently feeling like you’re not doing enough, like you’re struggling to maintain a veneer of control, like the entire household relies on your diligence."

Ouch.

This is me. Totally.

I never feel like I'm doing enough, and yet I am always on the edge of overwhelm. I feel responsible for whatever goes on in our household (and sometimes other households). I believe that if I slip up, if I miss something, then the entire world is going to come down around my ears.

It's a relief to know that this is not just a "me" thing, but actually an "other people have this too" thing. Parents often expend a lot more effort on their first child, trying to "get it right". They expect more of Child 1 in terms of grades, career, health. By the time Child 2 comes along, the parents have relaxed and eased up on the micro-managing. Although parents still tend to load more responsibility on the first child. The eldest is expected to be a good example, to lead the way, to care for the younger one(s), to be a support for the mother. Add in the fact that girls/women are expected to be nurturers and it's easy to see the sticky trap of eldest daughter syndrome.

When my Dad could no longer live independently in another city, who offered to have him move into the basement suite. Moi. When he passed away, who took care of his estate? Me. When Mom passed away, who took care of her estate? Yep, me again. Who steps up over and over again to shoulder responsibility? Yeah. Me.

Yeah. It's exhausting.

And maybe it's a combo of several beliefs. Perhaps I don't believe that my younger sibling can do the job as well as I can do it. (Hello, Perfectionism) Or maybe I believe that since I don't have kids and a busy job like she does, it makes more sense to take this on because she's going to push back anyhow. (Yup, People-Pleaser)

Whatever it is, it is a well-worn track in my brain, a pattern that just snaps into place as soon as something shows up on the horizon.

A situation or problem needs to be handled? Obviously it is MINE to handle.

Even if it really doesn't involve me directly. 

Yes, eldest daughters struggle with boundaries.

Which may be why... when asked to describe the qualities of firstborns, people who are firstborns will choose words like "responsible" and "leadership", whereas people who are NOT firstborns will mutter words like "bossy" and "over-controlling". Um. Yeah. Possibly.

We first-borns are raised to take charge, to take responsibility, to lead the way, to set an example, to handle what needs handling. But I am seeing more and more that, eventually, it leads me into a nasty cul-de-sac of over-functioning, exhaustion and resentment.

It's not a pleasant realization, but now that I've seen it, I'm hopeful that I can alter the pattern. Even just a pause between seeing a responsibility and taking it on.

A pause during which I can ask "Is this mine?" And listen for the answer.

More Reading

What Is Eldest Daughter Syndrome? A Therapist Breaks it Down

The Atlantic article - needs a subscription - The Plight of the Oldest Sister - The Atlantic

The Pause I Keep Forgetting

There are some days where you just need to stop.

And breathe.

Just one breath and then another. No matter what is going on, there is always a moment to just stop, and breathe.

I forget this. Often. I get carried away in my head and my thoughts and forget that I can stop it all and just breathe. That little pause is sometimes all that I need to regroup. Refocus. Come back to me.

I wish I could remember it more often. And more quickly. It's just one little breath and yet it can make all the difference.

I suppose it is just a matter of practice. The more I stop and breathe... the more I will remember to do it. But my system is really much better at tearing off trying to fix this, solve this, complete this, do this... Stopping to breathe seems rather counterproductive. Nothing gets done if one is doing nothing!! And breathing, to my mind, is most definitely "nothing". I mean, yes... breathing keeps us all alive but... other than that... nothing really gets accomplished when you breathe. Errands don't get done. Emails don't get written. Stuff just doesn't get done!

And yet, what am I slowly being remind of is this... sometimes you need to stop in order to get things done. When I am swept up in an efficiency, productivity tear... I can be like one of those hamsters in their little wheel. I get going faster and faster and faster and then a tiny mis-step and "fling"... the spinning wheel spins me off into the dust. Kind of an abrupt reminder that I need to slow-down, stop... and breathe.

But even when I do stop, and retire to Starbucks to "regroup". I often sit here and just scroll mindlessly on Facebook, or the news, or my emails, or Facebook, or the news, or... and on it goes. I get my to-do list organized. I answer emails. But I don't actually stop and... breathe.

For me, writing a blog like this is a way to stop... and breathe. Journaling can be the same. A walk. Sitting on a bench. Looking out a window.

Maybe that is all I am doing here. Not solving anything. Not fixing anything. Not checking something off a list.

Just stopping.

And breathing.

My Accidental Analogue Bag

Have you heard of the latest trend that is taking social media by storm?? I heard about it on the radio... a thing called "analogue bags".

What the heck is an analogue bag, you ask? Well, it is a bag (tote bag, backpack, shopping bag) filled with "analogue" activities so that when you are "somewhere" and feel tempted to pull out your phone and scroll the latest trends on TikTok, you can stop, reach into your analogue bag and pull out something that entertains you in the real world.

It is not lost on me that millions of viewers are scrolling social media looking for analogue bag ideas... it kind of defeats the purpose. Not to mention trendy influencers are promoting fancy bags and fancy analogue gear.

The truth is... it doesn't take much to make an analogue bag. I have my backpack sitting here next to me in Starbucks and it has several analogue things inside of it.

I have a journal and a pen so that I can write whenever the urge hits me. I've tried digital journals and always come back to a paper journal and a real pen.

I've also got a ziploc bag with a selection of greeting cards, as well as some stamps. Nothing more analogue than putting a letter into a mailbox... spelling mistakes and everything!

I also have a book, a real book, as well as an ebook. I'm not sure if an ebook counts as "analogue". Technically it is digital, but it's not connected to the deep black holes of social media and the news sites sooo... it is kind of a mono-purpose device where I can read a book. I wouldn't count the Kindle or Libby apps on my phone though... too easy to slip over to some other app!

That's already three analogue items so I'm not doing too bad... and I've been doing this for years. Imagine... me... ahead of the trend by years! And I would imagine other people have been carrying analogue bags for years... they just never had a trendy name for them.

Now... some of the other ideas are interesting to consider. Some people include a hobby in their bag - like knitting, crocheting or embroidery. If that floats your boat... go for it. Not my cup of tea. I'm more into photography and if I had a "real" camera, it would definitely count as analogue but... if my phone is my camera... does that count? If I just do the double-click to open the camera app and don't unlock the phone... maybe.

Other people include things like crossword books or search-a-word books or Sudoku. Interesting thought. You could do a crossword with a friend in a coffee shop. I think a deck of cards might be a good idea. Play a game of Solitaire in real life instead of the digital world. Or even UNO which could be played with a friend over dinner.

Or it could be something creative like a mini-watercolour set, an adult colouring book or a sketch pad, along with an assortment of colouring and drawing tools.

Or maybe it's a magazine (do they even exist anymore) or a trade journal. That copy of Time magazine that has been sitting on the couch for days... maybe it needs to go in the bag?

My analogue bag (aka office backpack) isn't pretty or chic. It's definitely not "on-trend" and isn't going to make anyone swoon with envy. But then, it doesn't have to. I like to have these things available to me, and it really doesn't matter if they are fancy or chic... that's not my vibe or style... which is more... use it till it dies a sad and tattered death.

Do you have an Analogue Bag? If so, what does it carry? Curious to know! Does it travel with you? Or is it more an Analogue Basket that sits next to the sofa?