The Pause I Keep Forgetting

There are some days where you just need to stop.

And breathe.

Just one breath and then another. No matter what is going on, there is always a moment to just stop, and breathe.

I forget this. Often. I get carried away in my head and my thoughts and forget that I can stop it all and just breathe. That little pause is sometimes all that I need to regroup. Refocus. Come back to me.

I wish I could remember it more often. And more quickly. It's just one little breath and yet it can make all the difference.

I suppose it is just a matter of practice. The more I stop and breathe... the more I will remember to do it. But my system is really much better at tearing off trying to fix this, solve this, complete this, do this... Stopping to breathe seems rather counterproductive. Nothing gets done if one is doing nothing!! And breathing, to my mind, is most definitely "nothing". I mean, yes... breathing keeps us all alive but... other than that... nothing really gets accomplished when you breathe. Errands don't get done. Emails don't get written. Stuff just doesn't get done!

And yet, what am I slowly being remind of is this... sometimes you need to stop in order to get things done. When I am swept up in an efficiency, productivity tear... I can be like one of those hamsters in their little wheel. I get going faster and faster and faster and then a tiny mis-step and "fling"... the spinning wheel spins me off into the dust. Kind of an abrupt reminder that I need to slow-down, stop... and breathe.

But even when I do stop, and retire to Starbucks to "regroup". I often sit here and just scroll mindlessly on Facebook, or the news, or my emails, or Facebook, or the news, or... and on it goes. I get my to-do list organized. I answer emails. But I don't actually stop and... breathe.

For me, writing a blog like this is a way to stop... and breathe. Journaling can be the same. A walk. Sitting on a bench. Looking out a window.

Maybe that is all I am doing here. Not solving anything. Not fixing anything. Not checking something off a list.

Just stopping.

And breathing.

My Accidental Analogue Bag

Have you heard of the latest trend that is taking social media by storm?? I heard about it on the radio... a thing called "analogue bags".

What the heck is an analogue bag, you ask? Well, it is a bag (tote bag, backpack, shopping bag) filled with "analogue" activities so that when you are "somewhere" and feel tempted to pull out your phone and scroll the latest trends on TikTok, you can stop, reach into your analogue bag and pull out something that entertains you in the real world.

It is not lost on me that millions of viewers are scrolling social media looking for analogue bag ideas... it kind of defeats the purpose. Not to mention trendy influencers are promoting fancy bags and fancy analogue gear.

The truth is... it doesn't take much to make an analogue bag. I have my backpack sitting here next to me in Starbucks and it has several analogue things inside of it.

I have a journal and a pen so that I can write whenever the urge hits me. I've tried digital journals and always come back to a paper journal and a real pen.

I've also got a ziploc bag with a selection of greeting cards, as well as some stamps. Nothing more analogue than putting a letter into a mailbox... spelling mistakes and everything!

I also have a book, a real book, as well as an ebook. I'm not sure if an ebook counts as "analogue". Technically it is digital, but it's not connected to the deep black holes of social media and the news sites sooo... it is kind of a mono-purpose device where I can read a book. I wouldn't count the Kindle or Libby apps on my phone though... too easy to slip over to some other app!

That's already three analogue items so I'm not doing too bad... and I've been doing this for years. Imagine... me... ahead of the trend by years! And I would imagine other people have been carrying analogue bags for years... they just never had a trendy name for them.

Now... some of the other ideas are interesting to consider. Some people include a hobby in their bag - like knitting, crocheting or embroidery. If that floats your boat... go for it. Not my cup of tea. I'm more into photography and if I had a "real" camera, it would definitely count as analogue but... if my phone is my camera... does that count? If I just do the double-click to open the camera app and don't unlock the phone... maybe.

Other people include things like crossword books or search-a-word books or Sudoku. Interesting thought. You could do a crossword with a friend in a coffee shop. I think a deck of cards might be a good idea. Play a game of Solitaire in real life instead of the digital world. Or even UNO which could be played with a friend over dinner.

Or it could be something creative like a mini-watercolour set, an adult colouring book or a sketch pad, along with an assortment of colouring and drawing tools.

Or maybe it's a magazine (do they even exist anymore) or a trade journal. That copy of Time magazine that has been sitting on the couch for days... maybe it needs to go in the bag?

My analogue bag (aka office backpack) isn't pretty or chic. It's definitely not "on-trend" and isn't going to make anyone swoon with envy. But then, it doesn't have to. I like to have these things available to me, and it really doesn't matter if they are fancy or chic... that's not my vibe or style... which is more... use it till it dies a sad and tattered death.

Do you have an Analogue Bag? If so, what does it carry? Curious to know! Does it travel with you? Or is it more an Analogue Basket that sits next to the sofa?

No Replay Button

I went to a hockey game a few weeks ago. Not a "big" game like the NHL, the Olympics, or the World Championships. This was the BC Junior Hockey League. I had never been to a live hockey game before, but as part of my ongoing effort this year to try new things, I thought: why not?

Although, on second thought, I "may" have been to a Vancouver Canucks game back in the '80s. Maybe. But if I did go, I sat in the nose bleed section where my friends and I watched ant-like players slithering around in a tiny oval chasing a black speck.

The local rink however, only has 13 rows that seat a total of 2500 spectators. I got a seat in the 9th row, behind the penalty box. When I arrived, I was immediately struck by the size of everything. The rink was big. The Zamboni was huge! And there were the sounds and smells of the place—the scent of popcorn and that unmistakable rink smell. This is a completely different experience from watching a game on TV... or from the nosebleed sections of a "big leagues" stadium. This felt up close and personal.

The game I was attending was a playoff game between the Nanaimo Clippers and the Prince George Spruce Kings so the arena was packed with boisterous fans. A few from the Spruce Kings, but the majority were dedicated Clippers fans wearing variations of orange jerseys.

It was a social atmosphere with season tickets holders chatting with others several rows up or down. And as the game started, the atmosphere was electric. Everything was bigger than life. The smack of the puck against a stick on a rink-wide pass was much louder than I expected. I could hear the players calling back and forth. The crowd would boo a penalty call against the Clippers and someone would start a chant "Ref You Suck". A goal by the visiting team was met with a disappointed silence whereas a goal by the Clippers was met with a roar of approval, a huge blast of the arena horn and flashing lights. Not to mention the cow bells and other noise makers that fans had brought with them.

Sometimes I missed the details of a penalty. I might have been following the puck and was often surprised by the whistle. A penalty? For what?? Where was the replay??

But there was no big screen jumbotron. There was no replay. Sometimes the two guys next to me would discuss the penalty and I would get a sense of what had happened but it struck me... this was very much like "real life".

The game couldn't be put on pause. There were no replays. No way to hit "rewind" and watch it again. There was also no play-by-play commentary. There was no explanation of what was happening on the ice. If I missed something... then it was gone. Forever. It took me at least a period, maybe two, to shake the sense there should be a replay button.

A live hockey game, even in the junior leagues, is very different from a televised game. Even though I went on my own, I was absorbed into the crowd atmosphere. I cheered and roared with the rest of the fans when the Clippers scored. It's not the same at home. Even with the biggest TV screen (which we do not have), there is no substitute for the real thing. 

It's the difference between participating and watching. At home, we watch TV. We don't participate in whatever we are watching. At a game, even as a "fan", we are participating. We are "there". We are part of the crowd. We are a fan. We are part of the event. All of our senses are engaged. It's a full body experience. At home... not so much. And I see why people have game parties, or go to a pub to watch the big game. It is a bit like "being there"... it re-creates the fan experience, a little bit. Being surrounded by like-minded folk who are rooting for the same team.

But nothing can replace the "live" experience. And it makes me wonder... where do I do this in my own life? How often do I watch gardening videos instead of going out into my own garden? How often do I read about places instead of visiting them? How often do I watch a home make-over instead of picking up a paint brush? How often do I trade participating for observing? Or creating for consuming?

We come to believe that life can be put on "pause" or we can hit "replay" and watch it over and over again. But that's not how life works. There is no pause or instant replay. There is only this moment... where we can choose to step in and engage with whatever is happening, or we can choose to retreat and just watch, from a distance, through a third-party mediator. Through a lens or a screen.

And perhaps that is the crux... at a live hockey game, I get to decide what I am watching. Whether it's the play, or a funny fan, or the Zamboni going round and round the rink in mesmerizing loops. On a screen... someone else determines the scene, the angle, the speed, the focus.

I'm not saying it's not worth it... to be able to watch the Olympic gold medal hockey game on TV, for free. But if that's all we do... if that's our mode-of-engagement with life, with "events"... something gets lost.

Breaking Free of a Rut

I love routines.

Routines love me right back.

I love not having to think about what I'm doing next. There's a comfort and a security in doing the same thing day after day. Get up, get dressed, brush teeth, comb hair, pack bag, head off to the coffee shop, work on stuff, head home, have breakfast. It's a simple routine, but I don't have to waste brain power overthinking things. And that makes it easier. No effort. No dithering. Just follow the routine.

And yet... as the years go by... things get... well... boring. We go to the same restaurants. We order the same things (beef dip, please!). We see the same people. Hike the same routes on the same trails. Every day starts to look like the last, and the days blur together and... well... it's boring.

There are days I can almost run the whole thing on autopilot. Same parking spot. Same order. Same table, if it's free. I know what I'm going to say before I even open my mouth. I know what the barista is going to ask. There’s something efficient about it… and something just a little bit numbing. But the idea of doing something different just feels like too much.

I read something the other month that got me thinking. Why is it that when we are young, time seems to crawl by? It takes forever to go from 5 years old to 10 years old. Yet, when we are in our 50s and beyond, five years can pass in the blink of an eye. Not to mention a whole week, or day, or afternoon. "Where does the time go?" we say, perplexed by it all. Has time sped up? Have we slowed down?

And yet... when we go on a two-night getaway to Vancouver, or Cumberland, or Victoria, we come back amazed at how those two days expanded and felt like a week. We were only gone two nights, and yet it felt longer.

And there is the rub... "it felt like"... time is subjective. When every day looks like the one before it—and the one after—time feels like it’s passing quickly. There’s nothing to differentiate the days. But when we go away, even for a day or two, we have new experiences. We stay somewhere different, eat somewhere new, hike new trails, visit new shops. All of those “new” experiences slow time down and make it feel like it’s passing more slowly.

So while the same old, same old is good for conserving brain energy... it also makes time speed up. And new, novel experiences slow it down.

All this leads to... 2026. I had a milestone birthday a few months ago—one that made me stop and think. Do I want to keep doing the same old, same old? Or do I want to try something different?

I had read a book a few years ago called 50 After 50: Reframing the Next Chapter of Your Life. The author, realizing at the age of 50 that she was on the downward slope of life, committed to doing 50 new things—significant, at least to her. That book stuck with me, and I started to think... what would I put on a list like that?

And so when this last birthday came around... I decided to bite the bullet and do 60 new things in 2026. Whatever that might look like for me. Step out of my comfort zone. Go to different places. Hike different trails. Visit new restaurants.

Because while I love routine... I also find it ties me down.

It stifles me.

But I can change that... one small step at a time.

The Calm after the Storm

For the last year or so, I’ve been lamenting that I had “lost my mojo.”

I had no energy for many things. I worried that I had lost my edge—lost my drive to write or finish projects.

But looking back now, it’s obvious why.

Last year, 2025, was a shit year.

My 91-year-old mother ended up in the hospital and then moved into a palliative bed at the care home in January. My sister and I had to clear out her apartment and deal with all of her things. Mom died at the end of March, and then there was the estate. And grief. A lot of grief.

Then my aunt died in June. And in July I discovered that the biological father I had been tracking down for the last three years had actually died five years earlier.

Autumn brought more personal and relational stress and… well. It was a shit year.

But now the storm seems to be over, mostly.

I can poke my head up again and things are calmer. I have breathing space, finally. And I can start assessing the damage.

When you're just keeping your nose above water, a lot of things fall by the wayside. Tasks get pushed aside and postponed until things calm down. In the grand scheme of things, they simply weren’t important.

I didn’t have the time, nor the energy, to deal with many things.

But now… finally… I feel like I’m coming back online.

I’m no longer in survival mode, no longer just trying to get through each day. I can start planning again. I’m picking up tasks and projects that sat on the shelf for months. I have energy again. I’m interested in things again.

I’m building buffers in other areas—like social media posts for our Airbnb and blog posts for some of the other blogs I manage.

I am, for lack of a better phrase, getting my shit together.

But looking back now, it’s obvious.When you're in survival mode, of course the mojo disappears. All of that energy goes somewhere else—to grief, to paperwork, to estate work, to simply getting through the day.

It’s a nice feeling to realize that I’m once again firing on all cylinders.

I’m picking up the pieces of life and looking at the state of my to-do list. It was a bit overwhelming at first, but I’m chipping away at things. Moving projects forward a little at a time. Getting quotes to replace a window where the seal has gone. Picking up small projects around the house. Looking ahead to the garden season.

I like this feeling.

But at the same time… I don’t entirely trust it.

After the last ten years—a decade with more upheaval than I would have preferred—I find myself waiting for the other shoe to drop. What’s the next thing that will hit out of the blue? What else could go wrong?

I’m a bit twitchy.

I don’t fully trust the calm.

And maybe that’s just how life works.

Storms come. Then there are stretches of calm. We rarely know when the storms will arrive, or how long they will last.

All we can really do is weather them when they come…

…and appreciate the calm when it finally returns.

Dreaming of an Anti-Library

I have a dream. A vision, if you will.
There have been times in my life when that dream came close to being manifested… and then it slipped from my grasp.

The dream? Ah yes. A very simple one, really.

I dream of a room lined with bookshelves, filled with all manner of books. I dream of a comfy chair, a conveniently placed lamp, and a side table for my tea and my reading glasses (getting older). My dream looks kind of like this picture but… bigger.

At one point in my life, I almost had it.

I had four tall, dark-brown particleboard bookshelves. I had the comfy chair. I was nearly there—sort of. And then the minimalism bug bit me.

Over the years, I let go of a LOT of books. Mostly paperback novels, but also textbooks, non-fiction, cookbooks, all of it. This was largely because, from my 20s through my 50s, I moved. A lot. Sometimes across town, sometimes to a new city, sometimes to a new province.

Books are heavy.
Heavy boxes cost money.

So every time I moved, I decluttered. I let things go.

Books also take up space—valuable real estate. Yes, I would have loved to keep every single book I ever owned, but that would require at least two library rooms. And that’s just not financially viable.

Somewhere along the way, I also discovered the joy of the local public library. You can borrow books, read them, and then give them back. A small miracle, really. And then, of course, there is the mixed joy of the e-reader. So many books at my fingertips… but it’s never quite the same. Scrolling through a list of black-and-white book covers isn’t the same as running your finger along a shelf, looking for something to read.

All of this leads to the idea that recently rocked my bibliophile world: the anti-library.

What the heck is an anti-library?

Simply this: rather than a personal library being a collection of books you have read, an anti-library is mostly made up of books you have not read. Instead of being a monument to how smart or well-read you are, it becomes a reminder of how much knowledge lies beyond our grasp.

Umberto Eco popularized the idea. His private library contained around 30,000 books—most of which he had not read. He suggested that we think of books less as trophies and more as medicine. When you’re not feeling well, you go to the shelves and choose a book that might help. In that case, more options are better than fewer.

Which, frankly, doesn’t take much to convince a bibliophile.

At this point in my life, I’m limited to one bookshelf. Many of the books are research volumes for my espionage-related blog. The rest are a mishmash: wild plant books, hiking guides, and old favourites I refuse to let go of. Some of those favourites now live on my e-reader, but a few aren’t available in that format, so they stay.

There’s also a small to-read stack, crammed in front of other books. It’s very much in the minority. When I go on vacation in a few weeks, I’ll pack those into my suitcase, read them, and then leave them at the resort.

But if I want a true anti-library—or even an anti-library bookshelf—I’m going to need either a bigger shelf or fewer already-read books. Because the truth is, I rarely re-read most of what’s on there.

It may be time to reconsider the purpose of my bookshelf.

I’m forever taking photos of interesting books I come across in bookshops—on the ferry, at the airport—with the intention of getting them from the library. But there’s usually a 55-person waitlist, and that just takes the wind out of my sails. Sometimes I look for them online, through used-book sites, and sometimes I don’t.

Perhaps it’s time to embrace the anti-library.
Or at least… the anti-bookshelf.

A Tim Hortons Detour (and a Broken Habit Loop)

 Sooo... if you're a regular reader of this blog, you know that I've been trying to ditch my Starbucks addiction. Well, my addiction to Starbucks hot chocolate.

Sooo… if you’re a regular reader of this blog, you know that I’ve been trying to ditch my Starbucks addiction. Well, my addiction to Starbucks hot chocolate.

But Starbucks is my happy place, where I can sit, sip a drink in the early morning, and get some work done without distractions. It’s just that the hot chocolate is having an impact on my waistline.

So, I had this idea that I could walk to McDonald’s (or drive). It’s only a 30-minute walk and… it might be a good substitute.

Yeah. No.

My first visit to McDonald’s was an epic fail.

I decided to drive because some of the reviews said that their hours were a bit erratic. They are open 24 hours for drive-thru but are supposed to open at 5 a.m. for walk-ins. I showed up at a very respectable 5:40 a.m. to find the doors locked. I could have gone through the drive-thru, but I didn’t have the patience. So I got back in the car and drove to another Starbucks… not my regular one. Sigh.

So… if McDonald’s isn’t reliable, then I don’t want to walk all the way there and find them closed. They are not an option, at least not for early morning visits. Back to the drawing board.

Option 1 – Local Aquatic Centre

It’s about a 20–25 minute walk and has a café area with seating in the lobby. Not sure if they have Wi-Fi or electrical outlets either, but it’s an option. Except… reviewers say the café area is frequented by clumps of swearing teenagers. It does open at 6 am, but the little café itself doesn’t open until 9. I guess I could always bring my own tea.

Option 2 – University

Also a 30-minute walk. I used to go there before Covid, when their library building was open 24 hours a day. The library itself only opened at 8 a.m., but the Commons area was open much earlier. Covid threw all of that out the window. I just checked, and now the Commons is locked until 8 a.m. Only students and employees with a key card can access it before then. So that’s not going to work.

Option 3 – Local Coffee Shop

There’s a Serious Coffee about a five-minute walk from us, but it only opens at 8 a.m. I actually tried it for a few visits, but their tea selection is weak. They do have Wi-Fi and electrical outlets, but it just wasn’t my vibe.

Option 4 – Work from Home

This is another option. Just transition away from the idea of getting work done from a coffee shop and work from home instead. I did this during Covid, but I missed my coffee shop time. It’s a place where I can really focus and not be distracted by all the undone items at home. Just me, the laptop, and some focused time to write or work or whatever. So… not sure I want to give that up. I just need to figure out a different schedule or venue that works for me.

Option 5 – Tim Hortons

I’m not exactly sure why I didn’t consider this option sooner. I think there was a point several years ago when I realized Timmies was owned by an American company and… our household was boycotting it. Maybe. Not sure.

Anyhow… get this… I tried Timmies.

It’s across the street from the failed McDonald’s, so within a 30–35 minute walk of home, and an even quicker drive. I went in and ordered a small chai tea with a splash of milk… $1.98 (a full $0.70 cheaper than Starbucks!). I found a seat with an electrical outlet nearby, connected to the Wi-Fi, and it was… not bad.

It’s not the same as Starbucks, which has more of a dark, moody coffee-shop vibe. Timmies is more cafeteria-like, quite sterile and bright. But it had everything I needed. Plus… it opened at 5 a.m. Be still my beating heart! Finally, a coffee shop that was on my schedule.

That was on July 19, 2025.

For 100 days, I faithfully went to Timmies, breaking the Starbucks + hot chocolate loop. And no, I was never tempted by Timmies’ hot chocolate. The only downside… I came home smelling like hashbrowns and scrambled eggs. Not a pleasant smell. 

After 100 days, I tried a Starbucks visit… and I was able to order a tea without immediately reciting, “I’ll have a grande hot chocolate, no whip.”

I had broken the loop.

Slowly, I migrated back to Starbucks. It’s the hashbrown smell at Timmies. It’s just… icky. And yes, Starbucks hits my pocketbook with an extra $0.70, but I’ll take that if it means going home smelling like roasted coffee instead of greasy hashbrowns.