The Pause I Keep Forgetting

There are some days where you just need to stop.

And breathe.

Just one breath and then another. No matter what is going on, there is always a moment to just stop, and breathe.

I forget this. Often. I get carried away in my head and my thoughts and forget that I can stop it all and just breathe. That little pause is sometimes all that I need to regroup. Refocus. Come back to me.

I wish I could remember it more often. And more quickly. It's just one little breath and yet it can make all the difference.

I suppose it is just a matter of practice. The more I stop and breathe... the more I will remember to do it. But my system is really much better at tearing off trying to fix this, solve this, complete this, do this... Stopping to breathe seems rather counterproductive. Nothing gets done if one is doing nothing!! And breathing, to my mind, is most definitely "nothing". I mean, yes... breathing keeps us all alive but... other than that... nothing really gets accomplished when you breathe. Errands don't get done. Emails don't get written. Stuff just doesn't get done!

And yet, what am I slowly being remind of is this... sometimes you need to stop in order to get things done. When I am swept up in an efficiency, productivity tear... I can be like one of those hamsters in their little wheel. I get going faster and faster and faster and then a tiny mis-step and "fling"... the spinning wheel spins me off into the dust. Kind of an abrupt reminder that I need to slow-down, stop... and breathe.

But even when I do stop, and retire to Starbucks to "regroup". I often sit here and just scroll mindlessly on Facebook, or the news, or my emails, or Facebook, or the news, or... and on it goes. I get my to-do list organized. I answer emails. But I don't actually stop and... breathe.

For me, writing a blog like this is a way to stop... and breathe. Journaling can be the same. A walk. Sitting on a bench. Looking out a window.

Maybe that is all I am doing here. Not solving anything. Not fixing anything. Not checking something off a list.

Just stopping.

And breathing.

The Siren Call of Sugar and Processed Carbs

Every one in a while, I'm not sure why... we go through a bit of a junk food spell. One, or both of us, will cave and crave chocolate.. or sugar... or processed carbs.

Maybe it's because of a "bad" day... or an emotional day... or a hard day or... a good day! Maybe we got a lot done on the house or in the garden and... at the end of the day... we just want something to "reward" ourselves.

I am not sure why that reward has to be sugar but it is deeply ingrained into both of our psyches. Perhaps it's a leftover from childhood... "if you're good, you can have an ice cream". Although it's not ice cream we crave!!

For me... my kryptonite is Ritter sport chocolate bars. If I'm going to have chocolate, don't just give me some generic plain Eat-more (although that will do in a pinch). No, I wand the crème de la crème of chocolates (at least that are stocked in our local grocery store).

And my kryptonite comes in two yummy flavours... Praline... and dark chocolate with hazelnuts. And yes, I heard about the news article that dark chocolate can have high lead and cadmium. Charming. Anyhow... I vacillate between these two chocolates...

I wish I could say that I cold just eat one row of the bar and be done but... no... one row turns into two rows... turns into 3 rows and... well... at that point, you might as well finish it off!!

I'm not sure if the makers of Ritter Sport, with the efficient grid-like pattern of squares, thought that a person could stop with just one square of chocolate... because that is not my experience!!

And yes, I do know that chocolate and processed/refined sugars are bad for me. I know they increase inflammation. I know all these things and yet... there are days where I just want...chocolate.

Oh... and then... there are the salty treats too... let's not leave those out. For me... it is Hawkins Cheezies. None of that Cheetohs crap. No... Hawkins Cheezies are where it's at. They are soooo good... as long as they are cool. There is nothing worse than a warm Cheezie... ick! So crunchy... so cheesy... soooo... just... badly good!

When I spent a year living in the USA, my friends would send me care packages with bags of Cheezies because... gasp... the entire USA does not KNOW what they are missing!! They don't have Cheezies... scandalous, I know. But our big secret! Oh... and they don't have All-Dressed chips either... go figure.

Anyhow... the Cheezies... and then... Ms. Vickie's Sweet Chili and Sour Cream chips... They too are soooo good. And so bad.

While my tastebuds love the salty treats, the inside of my mouth just can't handle it anymore. The sharp edges and the salt just trigger inflammation in there so fast. And so I can only have a few of these before my mouth calls it quits.

I wish my mouth would do that with sugar too. Although... lately, I have noticed that my tongue does not like loads of sugar - like a whole Ritter Sport bar - particularly the praline flavour. It gets irritated and upset with me.

Perhaps it is good to have an internal regulator like that... although I would have to actually listen to my body instead of just munching steadily through a bag of cheezies and a chocolate bar.

Listening to my body is not something I do all that well. It craves water and I ignore it. It dislikes sugar... and I ignore it.

I think that needs to stop. My body and I are a team... so it's best for us to work together. I've been starting by being more attentive to water cravings... so that is one small step.

But when the junk food craving hits... it might be the time to really touch base with my body and see if that craving isn't a cry for something else.

Covid Cravings

Have you gotten the Covid Cravings yet? The Meltdown Munchies? The irresistible craving for something salty, sweet or just plain fatty? Please say "Yes", so we know we aren't alone!

With the world upside down and our regular routines flying out the window, it's really easy to slip into old habits. Particularly when things go sideways. A friend and colleague for over a decade suddenly decides to unfriend, and even block, you over a disagreement on Facebook. A contractor says he'll be a week (or two... or three...) late in starting a project that you've been looking forward to for months. On a shopping expedition (and they are now "expeditions) to Superstore, where face masks are "mandatory", you see five naked-faced people within the first two minutes. People who aren't even trying to maintain social distancing either. An unexpected expense pops up on the radar. The phone company is overcharging your monthly bill. And... to top it all off... Halloweem AND Remembrance Day AND Christmas AND New Years (and any other holiday in the next few months) are likely to be very limp affairs. And let's not even mention the election south of the border. I could go on, but you get the idea.

It's just one thing after another... a never-ending supply of curve balls coming out of left field and... it's completely natural to crave just that little bit of food comfort. Chips. Chocolate. Ice Cream. Pick your poison. Just a little bit of normalcy in a world that seems to be slowly going off the rails. So nice to close the drapes, turn on the TV, find a movie and snuggle in for some good old snack time. For a few brief hours we are cocooned away from the world. But then... the world crashes right back in. The same things that were there yesterday... are there today... and tomorrow... and the next day. On top of that... you've now added a bit of weight gain to the mix. And the cycle begins again.

Cause, let's face it... there's always something. Some curve ball. Some monkey wrench. Something that just didn't go right. Your plans for the day are blown apart by a sick child or a vehicle that won't start or an appliance that goes on the fritz. Or maybe it's just the never-ending tedium of trying to work from home surrounded by all of the home distractions. A novelty for the first week and now a hard, long uphill slog. Maybe it's the subtle pressure of girding your loins to go out on a shopping expedition: Face masks - check. Lysol wipes - check. Hand sanitizer - check. Shopping list - check. And then the continual dodging around naked-faced people who seem oblivious to the reality of the world. I guess we all deal with stress in different ways and denial is not just a river in Egypt but one way that people handle the relentless pressure of a pandemic.

And all of this seems quite mild compared to other historical events: bombings, famine, earthquakes, hurricanes, war. A pandemic should seem like a minor blip in the grand scheme of world disasters and yet... this blip is affecting the entire world. Every single person on earth, except maybe Kim Kardashian (and her little birthday party flit to a private island so they could all feel "normal"), is affected by this virus. It is a relentless, every-present stressor - just enough to trigger our instinctive fight/flight/freeze response. Trigger our adrenal glands and get some cortisol flowing through the system. It triggers our "danger, danger" instincts and... it makes sense that some part of us thinks... danger - better stock up on some energy (eat) while we can because we might need to fight (be big and strong), flight (run like hell) or... if those two fail... freeze (and who knows when we'll be able to eat anything).

And so... we eat... we bake... we shop... we stockpile dried legumes and canned tomatoes. Still not sure what all the TP hoarding is about except... if you're gonna go whole hog on the eating front, it stands to reason that what goes in must come out too... 

The munchies seem to come in waves too. One week I'll be good and able to resist the siren call of salt, sugar, fat... but the next week is more of a struggle. Although, now, it seems like it's almost a daily thing. Good for a day or so and then ready to collapse and embrace chocolate like life-preserver. And maybe that's just the way it is right now. This virus has really fogged the future. We don't know what next month is going to look like, let alone 2021. It's really a matter of focusing on the here and now... or as Ram Dass liked to say - Be Here Now. Right here... right now. And take each moment as it comes, one small step at a time.

Goldilocks meets the Tortoise and the Hare

"I don't have enough time to get anything done."
"I have more than enough time to get that done... and that... and that."
"I have just the right amount of time to get it all done."

Sounds kind of like Goldilocks... except around time!

Those are the conversations that run through the heads of myself and two of my friends, Violet and Leo. The difference in those three conversations is vast in terms of what our lives look like. Let's unpack them a bit.

My Time Conversation
"I don't have enough time to get anything done."

That's me. I'll be sitting there, looking at the clock thinking, "I've got 30 minutes before I have to leave for that appointment." I'll then review my to-do list and think:

"Hmmm... 30 minutes... what can I get done in half an hour? Well, I don't really have enough time to start writing a blog post or working on that project. Hmmm... what else could I do? I could tidy my desk..."
***5 minutes later***
"... Huh... now what. I thought that would take longer. But now I only have 15 minutes (5 minutes were lost in the initial mulling over...)... that really isn't enough time to tackle anything else. Or is it? Hmmm... Do I have time to scan those tax documents? ... Nah... Hmmm..."

And somehow, during that process of mulling, while I am "thinking"... I will "inadvertently" open a news site tab or Facebook and... whoosh... I'm sucked into an infinity pool. But I'll get twitchy because I know I have to watch the clock because of the looming appointment and after 5 minutes of hectic scrolling, I will throw up my hands and head off early because... well... you never know. Traffic might be slow. So I'll get to my appointment with 12 minutes to spare and sit there scrolling through more news sites.

All this mulling leaves me completely exhausted... which is not good! I get back from my appointment and I have a solid two hour chunk and I'll sit there, pooped, and just do busy work stuff and STILL not work on anything significant. And then get stressed because I'm not getting anything done on my every lengthening to-do list...

I'm not a complete schlepp though. There are days when I can get a truck load of stuff done. If I don't have to check the clock (no appointments), I can be the little energizer bunny of productivity and just keep going and going. But as soon as there is a meeting or an appointment or something on the clock... I'm hooped.

Violet's Time Conversation
"I have more than enough time to get this done... and that... and that..."

My friend Violet is a lovely person, kind and generous with her energy and time, but she does have one annoying habit... she is chronically late... for everything. She is also not the most productive kitten in the litter. We've had many conversations about what goes on in her head when she's trying to get out the door. She knows she has to leave in 30 minutes for an appointment and she thinks:

"Oh, I'll go pick some flowers from the garden and gather together some fresh-baked cookies to bring... The flowers out here are so nice. Let's see, which ones should I pick? These are nice... and I'll take some of those."
***and maybe chat with the neighbour***
"And maybe some of these... Now, I know I have some old spaghetti jars somewhere to use as a vase. Somewhere here in the basement. Where are they? ... Ah, found one... And now... the cookies... Hmmm... where did I put that Tupperware that is perfect for bringing the cookies? ... I know it's in here somewhere. Wow... this plastics cupboard is really a mess... Oh, there's the container!! Now... where's the lid? Huh... I know it's in here somewhere... I'm just going to pull everything out cause none of these lids match any of these containers. I've been meaning to organize this cupboard for a while...
***phone rings***
... Oh, Hi Sis! ... Well, I do have to leave soon but I have time for a wee chat...
***15 minutes later***
OK, was great talking to you!! ...
***hangs up***
Shoot!! Now where was that lid!"

Followed by more rummaging, finding the lid eventually. And maybe putting the plastics back, or maybe leaving it as a project for later. And then needing time to find the car keys, purse... put on shoes and coat and finally leave the house... a good 30 minutes late.

Leo's Time Conversation
"I have just the right amount of time to get it all done."

Leo is one of the most productive people I know. He gets stuff done like nobody's business. Procrastination is not in his vocabulary, at least not that I can see. He doesn't dither. He just does. On top of that, Leo is never late... nor ridiculously early. He is right on time. Leo's relationship to time is an enigma to me. I've had a few conversations with him and this is what I've gleaned so far. Leo has 30 minutes between appointments and his conversation looks something like this:

"I've got 30 minutes, I'm going to get as much done as I can"

That's it... that's all I've been able to figure out from Leo. He just... does it. To me... looks like magic.

Relationship to Time
The question I've been pondering is... what is the difference between the three of us. Because the difference in outcome is huge.

Tortoise and Hare

Leo is kind of like Aesop's Tortoise, steadily moving things forward, one step after another. Violet is kind of like Aesop's Hare who thinks she has all the time in the world and is then easily distracted by things, which means she is always late. As for me... I sit there and look at the race and think... I don't have enough time to do this... so I go off and look for a shorter race that I know I can complete! But... sometimes... I can be like a Tortoise/Hare hybrid... a Haretoise... and speed through a race in record time and with record focus. I just wish I could be a Haretoise with some consistency!

It's clear to me that the difference lies inside of each of us. We each have 24 hours in a day. We each have 30 minutes before an appointment. We each seem to have a very different relationship to time and a very different conversation about it.

I tend to over-estimate how long something is going to take and so I won't start something because I figure I don't have enough time to complete it. And I hate incomplete things... they nag at me. I won't start writing a blog post because I feel that I need to write it in a continuous stream and that it won't turn out as well if I start, stop and then restart it. So, instead of just getting started... I won't even take the tiniest step towards beginning because well, I won't be able to complete it before I have to go... so what's the point? There are a few things going on here...

First, I am a really bad estimator of time and how long something will take. I always err on the side of caution. And even if I do know how long something takes... I automatically build in buffer time. I always round up, rather than down. I know it takes 15 minutes to drive to the airport, but I will automatically leave 30 minutes ahead of time... just to be on the safe side.

The second thing is this... I tend to view a task as a unified whole so my to-do list is full of things like "write blog post, install shelves in laundry room, update monthly finances, build new garden beds". I have a really hard time breaking things down into bite-sized chunks. As it turns out, any of those tasks is really a small project and composed of a bunch of small steps or smaller, easily winnable races!

Take this one, for example, "install shelves in laundry room". I can break that down into:

• measure the space
• check my supply of screws/nails
• buy supplies
• gather tools
• find the studs
• cut the shelf supports
• put up shelf supports
• measure shelf length (twice)
• cut shelf
• install shelf
• tidy up.

Rinse and repeat for further shelves.

So... having "install shelves in laundry room" on my to-do list is really setting me up for chronic procrastination. It's too big... and while I know it is made up of smaller, much more doable tasks... those somehow don't end up on my to-do list with any sort of consistency.

And then... there's this mind-blowing notion of... just get started... or as Nike likes to say... just do it. Because, honestly, once I get started, I can get a tonne of stuff done in 30 minutes, way more than I would ever think. It would require me to shift my conversation from one of:

"I don't have enough time"

to one of...

"I'm going to get as much done as I can..."

A soother

Whaaatttt is that? That idea just does not compute. It bounces off my brain matter and I stare at it on the screen and think... "how is that even possible - do as much as I can"? My brain skitters away from this unknown concept and scrolls through Facebook desperately searching for an emotional soother to suck on.

The Source of Time
I came across this quote whilst researching this blog and it kind of rocked my world.

“You are time, you are where time comes from... and... since you are the producer of time, you can make as much of it as you need.” (from The Big Leap by Gay Hendricks)

***sound of brain circuits frying***

Nnnnhhh... what? Time isn't out there? Time is... in me??

Hendricks apparently calls this "Living in Einstein Time" and bases the theory on Einstein's science:

"An hour with your beloved feels like a minute; a minute on a hot stove feels like an hour. Depending on what we do, space seems to narrow or to expand, time seems to slow down or accelerate..."

***Let me just add that book to my to-read list and put in a request via the public library (I am now #13 in line for two copies of the book).***

I admit that I already know some of this.

I too have noticed that time can race like the wind or drag its little butt as the clock slows down to a crawl.

The cause of time's random shifts in velocity doesn't lie with "time"... the cause lies with "me". It's really about the attitude with which I approach a day or an hour or 30 minutes. I understand the idea that I can shape my experience of time... I'll give you that... but the idea that I am the source of time... well... that needs some incubation.

Stress and Time
I'm going to end with a quote by John O’Donohue:

Stress is a perverted relationship to time,
so rather than being a subject of your own time,
you have become its target and victim."

Again... time isn't the issue... me is the issue... me and my relationship to time. Which means I am the creator, not only of time... but also of my own stress.

I get that. I have very (very) high expectations of myself. But I'm not a sprightly 20-year old anymore with no cares, concerns or responsibilities. I have a lot of balls in the air and my tendency is to see everything as Important AND Urgent... which is really a recipe for burnout.

My To-Do List is a monster with dozens of items on it every day and I vacillate between days of incredible productivity (energizer bunny) and days of stressful dithering (which task, which task... oh dear... which task... how much time... oh shit... an hour has gone by... and I've gotten nothing done!).

Sooo... in some ways... I really sabotage myself. On the one hand, I overestimate how long a specific task will take and spend my days dithering about whether I have enough time to complete a task. At the same time, I overestimate how many tasks I can get done in a day and cram my daily To-Do List full of dozens of tasks. This sounds kind of like my friend Violet - "I have more than enough time to get this done... and that... and that".

Huh... go figure. No wonder I'm a dithering wreck some days! This requires some thought... as I hadn't realized what I've been doing to myself until right now... More later!