I don't feel like Writing... I feel like Chocolate!!

Nope, I don't feel like writing. It's been a crap day at work with all sorts of technical issues as we launch a new workshop registration campaign. People buying the registration and then the system eating it and not spitting out a Welcome Email... and unhappy people left, right and center.

And then a disturbing personal phone call and... seriously... I just don't feel like writing. What I feel like is chocolate!!! Specifically a double chocolate brownie from Starbucks. It's 3:00 pm and the window for brownie time has closed (at least for me - or I'll never get to sleep). But that doesn't mean I still don't want it.

I am feeling cranky and out of sorts. The day got off to a rocky start and I didn't get my 1 hour writing time before being tossed into the deep end of technical work issues. Which sucks. And here I am, trying to regroup and gather my thoughts and... it's hard. I'd be much happier, I think, if I just grabbed my office backpack and went to Starbucks... I'd do a better job of regrouping there. But that's probably not true.

Cause at this time of day, Starbucks is overrun with university and high school students and there's not a hope of getting a table next to an electrical outlet (and my laptop battery doesn't last long anymore). So I'd probably just sit there and spin my wheels and feel even worse than I do right now. So that's not a solution. Which is why I'm sitting here and trying the writing thing at home... just me and keyboard.

It's not easy... the siren call of the brownie (and Starbucks) is strong. But it really doesn't help me. Not in the least. What does help me is increasing the magnification of this browser window by 20%! Sigh... things on the screen are looking smaller and smaller. Might  be time for another visit to the optometrist to see how the old eyes are doing. I can still read things, but I find myself squinting and frowning more at the screen... which is problematic on a Zoom call, when I just look frowny angry!

Anyhow... back to the topic at hand. I know that writing will make me feel better... but writing when I'm not already feeling good can be a challenge. And I even had a topic picked out from my morning walk at 6:00 am. But writing about that topic didn't seem feasible at this point. What really needs to get written is what's going on in me right now. So here we are.

Some people think that writing is "easy" if you're a writer. It's not. Sometimes it's like pulling teeth. It's not comfortable. It is not warm and fuzzy. It's dragging out your dirty laundry for all the world to see... and then holding each piece up to the light and studying it in detail. What is going on in my head right now... ?? What am I feeling? What is going on for me?

While I know that everyone has dirty laundry, that doesn't mean it is any easier for me to drag it out and share the nitty-gritty-ness of it. Gross. Emotions. Feelings. Grumpiness. Moodiness. Ick.

But if we all have it, surely it would be beneficial to share it... to share what is going on, so that others don't feel that they are all alone with their filthy laundry. Still doesn't make it easier to write about.

I guess the burning question is... why do I want a sugary, fatty treat that is crammed with wheat gluten (bad for my thyroid condition)? What is the brownie actually going to do? For about 1 minute, it will taste absolutely delicious and then... poof... it will be gone and I all I will taste is the bitterness of regret and the anger of failure. Which doesn't make a lot of sense, does it? And yet... that is what I am craving right now.

The emotions are too uncomfortable - frustration, anger, sadness, fear, irritation, uncertainty - and rather than sit in that... I would rather go and have the brownie. Run from the emotions? Distract myself from the emotions... if only for a minute? Makes zero sense.

I wish I could figure it out. It's not like I'm craving a banana or an apple or a handful of nuts? Or a walk or a drink of water. Although I do have my water bottle close at hand and am sipping at it as I write this. Trying to distract myself from the brownie.

Maybe what I really need is a good cry. Maybe the brownie is just trying to stuff sweet on top of those uncomfortable emotions that want to be expressed? Maybe. Or maybe I need to rage and growl in anger at the situation I find myself in. Perhaps the craving for the food is the brain trying to stuff all those emotions down... "let's just force feed it some sweets". Because emotions are dangerous you know.

It's not safe to express many emotions (other than joy) out in the world. Heck, we aren't really trained in how to express our emotions. We complain about people, places and things, but we don't really get to the heart of the emotion. We swallow the angry words. We stuff down the tears. We stiffen our backs in the face of fear. Don't show it... don't feel it. Sounds like a Disney film... Frozen and the song "Let it Go"...

Don't let them in. Don't let them see.... Conceal... don't feel. Don't let them know.

And the truth is, life is messy. Things aren't always smooth and calm and peaceful. It is so easy to get blown off course. To get thrown off kilter. The question is... how to get back on course. How to get back on kilter...  back on track?

How to clear the space? Write about it? Express it? Connect with something that grounds us, roots us, reminds us who we are? Put things into perspective?

Maybe step away from the computer and the phone and reconnect with the analogue world. Go for a walk... do something physical and with my hands. Declutter some more? Something... and the only way to know what is going to help is to try a few things... and see what sticks and what doesn't. See what helps and what throws me further off course. I'm pretty sure a brownie, delicious as it is, would throw me further off course! Sad to say... but it is truth! Ugh!