My Struggle with Addiction

Every morning, I wake up and I feel it. The craving. And I think... maybe I could have just one. That's it... just one. That's not so bad, is it? The thing is... I've been around the block often enough to have learned a thing or two about my addiction. There ain't no middle ground. It's either all or nothing. When it comes to this drug... I fall in the Abstainer camp rather than the Moderator camp. What's the drug? A luscious white powder... chemical formula... C₁₂H₂₂O₁₁... commonly known as sugar.

Pure powdered refined sugar

Yep... I'm a tried and true sugar addict and my preferred method of delivery is liquid sugar. Although... in a pinch, I won't say "no" to a chocolate fudge brownie... or an Eat-More bar.

Growing up, I don't remember being a massive sugar monster, although my Mom might have different recollections.

Oh... wait... now that I think on it.... **cough**

I do recall sneaking into Mom's baking cupboard when she wasn't around and pilfering squares of baking chocolate. Even the semi-sweet stuff. Oops, forgot about that.

So maybe there was some writing on the wall back then.

Coke - the Real Thing

Things really took off when I went to university. I developed a taste for Coke (the drink... not the other stuff). I'd have a Coke in the afternoon after classes... There's nothing like that moment when you crack the tab on a can of Coke and smell that first heady rush of released air. Oh... and the first sip... priceless! Sooo soothing and relaxing.

But... slowly, over time, my first sip of Coke would get earlier and earlier in the day. And then I'd end up having two Cokes a day... and it would get earlier still. Soon enough, I was having three or four cans of Coke a day, starting at 8:30 am.

Every once in a while, I'd tell myself to get a grip and I would go cold turkey. I'd suffer through the headaches (double whammy of sugar/caffeine withdrawal) for five days and then I'd be good for a few weeks.

Inevitably, I would think... "I'll just have one this afternoon". And the cycle would begin anew. Rinse and repeat... for years. I knew that Coke was bad for me and I tried to quit numerous times... but it always worked its way back under my skin. "I'll just have one."

And then, miracle of miracles... on 7 July 2009, I went cold turkey again. This time it stuck. A week went by... then two weeks... a month... two months and... slowly the craving abated. I could walk by a vending machine and not twitch with desire. I had kicked the Coke habit! I was pretty proud of myself.

Starbucks Hot Chocolate - pure bliss
(more on disposal cups in
another blog post)

But... yep, there's always a but... I had formed a new habit. I had moved to Calgary in the spring of 2019 and transitioned to a new work-from-home job. I began riding my bike around the Glenmore Reservoir and discovered a Starbucks at the half-way point. I'd pack my laptop into my backpack, cycle to the Starbucks and get a bunch of work done. These little adventures ticked a few boxes: get some exercise... get out of the house... have a change of scenery. Win-win-win!

There was just a tiny, little hiccup. I felt guilty just sitting there, using Starbucks wi-fi and not buying anything... I needed to find a drink. Never having developed a taste for coffee (ewww) or tea (ick)... I settled on hot chocolate. Not just any chocolate, a Grande Hot Chocolate with whipped cream and mocha drizzle. Oh... yum...

My little sugar-addicted synapses were dancing a happy jig and my new form of sugar addiction was born. Oh yes, I'd try to quit hot chocolate every once in a while and... well... same story as with the Coke. Not much success. Although I never did get up to three hot chocolates a day... two was my worst!

Dec/Jan 2017/18 attempts to kick
hot chocolate (check marks good,
red x's are bad)

My fasting blood sugar levels started to creep up... and I tried to get a grip, but I was still flirting with the pre-diabetic danger zone. Time and again... I'd go cold turkey... or try moderation - "I'll only have 3 hot chocolates/week"... but nothing worked.

The longest I made it was 21 days and then I caved. These collapses of intention and will-power were usually associated with some stressful event in my life. Things would get stressy... and I needed comfort or a reward. I'd rush off to Starbucks for a hit of hot chocolate. It was soothing... it was calming... at least for an hour or so.

The other thing that I noticed was... hot chocolate ain't cheap. Coke is a cheap drug ($0.11/100 ml)... hot chocolate not so much ($1.00/100 ml). Try spending $3.65/day for at least 20 days a month and... that's almost $80/mo or almost $1000/yr. Not to mention the price of hot chocolate kept going up!

Oh, and let's not even talk about calories. Coke has a miniscule 140 calories/can (355 ml). Starbucks hot chocolate clocks in at 400 calories/grande cup (473 ml). I really hadn't improved things when I quit Coke and upgraded to hot chocolate! Although... when you consider that I used to get up to 3 cans of Coke a day... 140x3 = 420 calories/day... not that far off from the hot chocolate. And... in many ways... I HAD reduced my sugar consumption... 43 g of sugar in one grande hot chocolate... versus 39 g of sugar in ONE can of Coke. Three cans of Coke would be an insane amount of sugar...

Anyhow... before I try to justify hot chocolate as being "better" than Coke... back to my story. The cost of Starbucks hot chocolate got me thinking on ways to reduce my overhead. I tried buying the mix-your-own packets of Starbucks hot chocolate from the grocery store... and having them at home. But, because it was so convenient... I'd sometimes end up having two mugs a day. Not a solution. I tried making my own hot chocolate using cocoa powder, milk and sugar. At least I could moderate the amount of sugar, 1 tbsp instead of 2 tbsp in each mug. But... that was still a lot of sugar. I was seemingly powerless in the grip of sugar... until last February.

Hot Chocolate's D-Day
On 3 February 2019, my father passed away in a long-term care home. It was a stressful, grief-laden time. Two weeks later, after visiting Starbucks and having a hot chocolate... I said "Enough is enough." I had been reading about different ways to alter ingrained habits and came across the idea of a reverse-reward... i.e. a penalty system. You make a commitment to change a habit and every time you do not honour that commitment, you have to pay a penalty that hurts. Like donating to the political party that you hate. That wasn't going to work for me as I wasn't that passionate about politics but... I liked the idea of a penalty.

The implacable reality of cold hard cash

I sat down with my partner and explained my plan. Every time I had a hot chocolate, I would have to put $5 into a penalty fund. She thought it was a good idea and upped the ante. "Fine, but that money goes to me. And that's only for the first hot chocolate. After that, the penalty doubles to $10... and after that, it doubles again to $20." Ooooohhhh... that's wicked! I put the $5 into the penalty pot that day, to cover the hot chocolate I'd had that morning. Game on.

We also started tracking my progress on the wall calendar. For every successful hot-chocolate-free day, I got a little animal sticker on that day (nod to the badges of www.750words.com). I started off with ladybug stickers and, after 30 days, progressed to owl stickers. After 60 days I got cat stickers... and at 100 days I graduated to teddy bear stickers. My tracking app says I have 353 days under my belt. Only 12 days to go...

The start of my Hot Chocolate Free
odyssey (check marks are good!)

Was it easy? Heck, NO! It's been one of the hardest things I've ever done - even harder than the Coke addiction. Once I made it past my previous record of 21 days hot-chocolate-free, though, I felt a bit more confident. It also got slightly easier after 60 days. I had some momentum and didn't want to break the chain (nod to Jerry Seinfeld). But there were many days where the only thing that held me in check was that looming $10 penalty. Truth is... I still crave hot chocolate. I'm sitting here in Starbucks right now, sipping a chai tea with milk (just a tea... not a chai tea latte). It is... palatable... but that's about it. I've tried every tea in their arsenal and... this one is the best of a bad lot... sigh.

Sooo... remember the sugar/grains detox my partner and I started in September 2019? Well... I am so glad I got the hot chocolate addiction handled months earlier. My fasting blood sugar levels are OK... and I feel better without all that sugar coursing through my system. I even lost a bit of weight after the hot chocolate taps were turned off. Best news of all... I didn't replace that liquid sugar supply with another one. I'm not a root beer addict... or a caramel macchiato addict. I don't dump packets and sugar/sweetener into my tea. I do, however, notice a weakness for chocolate... particularly if it is in the house. So... I try not to keep it in the house.

As I come up to my one year anniversary of being Hot Chocolate Free... I find myself having a little internal debate. "Maybe I could just have one on the anniversary date. Just one. And then I could start the abstinence anew." It's interesting to observe this conversation going on in my head, because it never happened with Coke. I think the hot chocolate has deeper roots... and it is hanging on for dear life...

As I said... I've learned a few things in my life... moderation for my sugar addiction does NOT work. I need to go cold turkey and abstain completely. But that's only for sugar... I have no problem moderating alcohol intake and can have a beer or not... no problem. But sugar... it's got me in its grip.

Every day, therefore, is a choice. Sometimes every hour! Just one small step towards health. And 353 daily small steps later... I've come a long way. Will I cave and have a hot chocolate on February 18? Stay tuned...

I'm kind of curious though... how have other people altered deeply ingrained habits? How did you give up smoking or sugar or alcohol or video games? What worked for you?

P.S.
I'll also look at the environmental impact of sugar plantations in a future blog post...

Suffice to say, reducing our sugar consumption would definitely be better for our health as well as that of the planet!