Habits of Caring for Self

"Put your own oxygen mask on first, then help others." I don't know how many times I heard that line while I was caregiving for my Dad. Over and over again... "you have to take care of yourself otherwise you can't care for him". It is so true. And  yet so impossible.

Caregiver Burnout

My Dad had vascular dementia. For anyone who has journeyed with a person stricken by dementia... you know what I mean.

For me, it also wasn't a rewarding experience. It wasn't sunshine and butterflies. My Dad and I had a complex relationship. Growing up, he was never there for us when we were kids. Oh, he was occasionally "there" physically... but he definitely wasn't there emotionally.

I did my best to care for him, but the toll it took on me was huge. I also tried to take care of myself, I really did... but when the phone rang at 7:15 am and it was Home Support (saying they couldn't come) or Dad (all confused because Home Support had come)... meditation got put on the back burner.

It was a slow chipping away at my care for self. It got to the point where I would forget to brush my teeth in the mornings. Do that often enough, and you lose the habit of brushing teeth very quickly! Why is it that bad habits are soooooo easy to form while good habits are NOT?

I'm one of those people who do well with routine. I do best when I have a plan. I'm not one of those loosey-goosey airy-fairy... zodiacal Air signs. I am a serious, down to earth... zodiacal Earth sign. Anchored. Grounded. Solid. But during the whole care-giving experience, I lost that... I became untethered from routine, from what grounded me and floated through my days in an aimless fog.

My partner would ask me: "What do you need to do right now, for you?". And I couldn't answer the question. Not a clue. In hindsight, I can see the signs of caregiver burnout and it was nasty. My partner completely freaked out one evening when she learned that I had no plan for the next day. "What about your routine?!!" I looked at her wearily and admitted, "I don't HAVE a routine!". Sometimes the caregiver needs to be taken care of...

Slowly, I began to build a tiny bit of routine into my life. Get up, go for a quick walk, meditate, breakfast. If phone calls disrupted that... then get back on track after the disruption. It was hit or miss for a while. Cause, somehow, it's darn easy to get off-routine and sooo hard to get on-routine!

That's one thing I've learned... caring for self requires some discipline. It's not going to happen by itself. And it's not just having a bubble bath. It's doing the things that I KNOW ground me but that... somehow... are always the first things to fall by the wayside.

I KNOW that walking in the woods is good for me. It feeds my soul like nothing else and yet... even knowing that. I don't do it. WTF? Here's what goes on in my head:

Me: It's nice out. I should go for a walk in the woods.
Other Me: I don't have enough time.
Me: Of course there's enough time. It doesn't have to be long. 20 minutes even!
Other Me: It's too much work. I'd have to change my pants and put on my boots and drive 3 minutes...
Me: Seriously? Come on, you could take photos of pretty leaves in the sunshine...
Other Me: I'd feel like a slug. I haven't hiked for so long, I'd get out of breath.
Me: Well then, this is a good time to get started!
Other Me: What if the plumber phones or...
Me: Good grief!! That's what cell phones are for!
Other Me: I don't feel like it... I don't want to.... You can't make me...

 And on it goes... until the time really is GONE! And both of me are exhausted...

Here's the thing. I ALWAYS feel better after going for a walk. Always. Without fail. Even if I get out of breath. And yet... there's this hump of inertia that I just can't seem to get over...

Wikipedia - Activation energy with and without
a catalyst

It reminds me of Chemistry 11/12... I remember these charts that involved a catalyst to get over the hump that prevented a chemical reaction from taking place.

The hump is called "Activation Energy". See the black line... it's pretty darn high. But add a catalyst (red line) and it becomes much lower, so it takes less energy to get the reaction going.

That's kind of like me and walking. The Activation Energy is pretty high, and gets higher if I engage in a laborious decision-making process with myself. What could I do to lower the Activation Energy?

One option is to skip the whole decision-making process... and just make the walk part of my routine. It's then non-negotiable and just something that I do... Here's the morning routine I'm working with right now:

• Get dressed
• Brush teeth
• Take vitamins
• Feed cat
• Walk

I actually have a check-list in my day planner because honestly... it's soooo easy to skip some of these. Except for feeding the cat... that really is non-negotiable. The other things are not well-ingrained habits for me and so every evening, I write out the list so it's front and centre for me the next morning. I don't necessarily look at the list because I can remember what comes next. Except... here's the thing... "Feed cat" is not written down and yet it always happens, without fail. Interesting--must reflect on that some more...

Another trick I could use is to lay out my walking clothes in the bathroom the night before. If I lay them out... then it becomes much easier to actually put them on. If I don't put them out, then I automatically get out of bed, grab my regular pants and put them on. Then, if I want to walk, I have added a decision point. "Oh, I've put on my regular pants. I wanted to go for a walk. Ah, it's too much trouble to change pants." Seriously... this is what goes on in my head. I haven't reduced the Activation Energy... I've actually increased it!

Finally, I make the "walk" as tiny as possible... at least while I'm in the house. A 20 minute walk seems overwhelmingly long, so I tell myself: "Just get dressed and go for a 5 minute walk." That's a tiny walk, and I'm more likely to say: "Okkkkaaaayyyyy.... fiiiinnnneeee." Once I'm out the door and walking though, over that Activation Energy hump, I usually go for much longer and 20 minutes becomes a snap. 

The trick is to make going for a walk as dummy-proof as possible with as few decision points as possible. Decisions take energy and increase that Activation Energy. Better to eliminate as many as possible. I don't have to think about what to wear because it's right there waiting for me. I don't have to think about what vitamins to take, because they're already all portioned out in one of those day-of-the-week dispensers. I don't have to think about what to do next... because I have the checklist in my head. I don't have to wrestle with the duration of the walk because it's set up to be small and doable (5 minutes).

Now, if I were to think of any of those things as "optional" then it becomes easy to skip them. Trust me... I know this. We went away for a couple of weeks and when we got back... my morning routine was no longer a habit. For the last month, I've been struggling to get back on track and... while I am always feeding the cat... I am still not going for a morning walk.

It's no wonder. I'm treating it like it's "optional". I'm not laying out my walking clothes the night before. I'm not telling myself "Just 5 minutes". Sooo... this is a bit of an insight for me. I didn't really know how this blog was going to play out, I just started writing. And I've got a clue as to why the morning walk isn't happening. I'm going to take my own advice and put these tips into practice tonight. The morning walk is now non-negotiable. I'm going to lay out my walking clothes in the bathroom tonight... and plan for a 5 minute walk in the morning. These are all Small Steps in moving me in the direction of health and wellness... Wish me luck!